It crept through me during the first week then flowed through the next 7 days, and I thought that was it. It caused me a lot of sleepless nights, countless thoughts, battery draining, and a whole lot of shifts just to get comfort.
All of a sudden a quick snap struck me that it was okay, I am okay, and that I shouldn’t worry about those I couldn’t control.
In the middle of it all until I reach the seventh week, there had been small triggering points that still got through me. From the unidentified spiels, the littlest of dirt, cleaning wounds, and finishing tasks — it wasn’t easy. And It should be. The next thing I knew I was here, almost nearing the open light. It felt like survival, all the distractions got me here and i’m glad it worked.
Or did it?
Nearing the new open norm, I thought I got through it all. The distraction I thought I needed opened an un-faced scar, I am feeling it again. And then suddenly I knew I didn’t survived at all, I just successfully delayed the gratification from facing the chaos. So I am here again; different day, same sets of thoughts, much deeper burn.
Should I have survived if I faced it? Should I have been relived if it wasn’t ignored? I thought fighting the bad feeling would be a cure, but it curated a whole new pocket of pieces from the unhealed patch of thoughts.
Through this day, until the end — who would know how we will all fight it? We all have our own battles to face and doing the comparison game as a means of coping would mean nothing. To find the meaning, to reach the entry, how will we know if its the end?
So much can be considered as subjective and in this age of opinions and purpose finding, what does it mean to have it? We all play. We all want to win. But fighting with an opponent that you cannot see, how will we be able to avoid its blade?
I’m blurbing again, archiving what I try to bury by writing it down. If I don’t, will it die? If I don’t, I should forget. To stay awake in this times of trial, to feel normal under the unknown, to avoid hurdles with head strong, to seek comfort, in finding solace, in staying immune, in feeling and in thinking, to embrace the distance, for further distraction under the sheets of conversations, and the never ending search of finding the answers to all our whys.
Fort building, let me hold this sanity.