What a sad moment to see that the last time I tried to archive a memory was a year ender post. Where have I been? Where was the fire I was talking about? Where did I go? Where am I? Who knows.
I am supposed to be in Hong Kong today - should've landed earlier at around 6:30pm. If the trip had pushed through, I could be at the hotel room right now or maybe wandering around the night markets as planned. It was supposed to be a solo trip - to try and see if I can do it, to try and wander around alone, to try and check if I can discover more of me then of the place - but I couldn't risk. I pray for their safety and their fights.
Where have I been really? As I try to think about it, maybe I was too busy trying to find out where I should go and what am I here for. Quite the drama but I think I went on the quarter life crisis early. I have been trying to search for the deal; purpose of existence, time and energy saving experiences, carefully picking choices.
Ah, purpose. What is it really and how do you find it? I have been meaning to look for mine and to realize what I should do in this world to live fully and leave peacefully. If only things were so easy to juggle with I could've done what I can to save the entire world. But who am I kidding I am not an MCU character but maybe I can be that little firefly who can light up something. A small contribution by being positive can mean something. I believe that the world has this big energy saving conductor in a form of a hidden jar somewhere in the galaxy and it collects positive energies and smiles. Whenever someone is giddy or happy, a tiny fiber of light lifts up and floats its way to the "energy jar" and once it is filled, it burst and contributes back to the world; rain to help the farmers water, sun to dry up all the laundry, sometimes helps the soul finds it way to the afterlife, or even help the humans realize and make a simple deed through a transformed deity.
Whichever it is, I hope I could be of a help somehow.
Admittedly I ran out of the positive energy. I used to be this bubbly, positive person who tries to think happy even though there's a negative vibe. I used to always think that things are just mere challenges and used to smile it all to get through. I used to be that - I think I am not so much of a yellow person anymore. Maybe the environment, or the people, or the experiences I see and get. Growth. And it's not so bad if I think about it. I just sometimes miss that person I was before but I wouldn't change anything if I am asked to return.
Experience wise I am very very lucky. I can get to choose. And being able to do so is a privilege someone shouldn't neglect. I am thankful that I have a job that helps me pay bills and buy things I like, a place where I meet people with different kinds of energy, learnings I get in each and everyone and in each in everything. I have a choice and I am thankful. Not sure with anything but I believe things will go worth its while at the end of it all.
Where am I going for? I don't know. Who will know really? If I ask a guardian right now I doubt it would tell me. I was asked years back, "if given the chance would I go back to the past or see the future?". Being the spoiler that I am, I said I would like to see how will I be in the next few years. If you ask me this now, I will say I am not choosing anything. My cancelled trip to HK reminded me that I shouldn't plan ahead and put so much stress on the things I can't handle.
I am curious and getting curiouser everyday. I have weird lingering thoughts sometimes and it makes me want to explore and see the world more. A ride to become a better person everyday and make a contribution to something or to someone.
I guess i'm still here anyway, sometimes lost but always finding my way back. I hope this time I would be able to archive these kind of thoughts. This was the purpose of this blog - created for me to be able to track down the spilled over words I have so I could be reminded. Of what? Not sure. But we will see when I get there.