Believe me I have been meaning to write it all down ever since I don't know when and it aches me that I still have no paragraphs and no drafts to come back to. There are so much to say and so much to speak about but I just can't seem to find the right flicker. Maybe i'm drowning? Maybe I feel like I am but since I am quite stuck on this block, this shall serve as my year ender post per tradition. Maybe. I think i'm ready to move past this stage but given what is currently happening, I actually am not sure on what and how I should even begin.
It has now been xxx weeks since we went on quarantine mode. At least now as I write this, things are quite going back to normal which is quite a bit alarming considering that we are adjusting on the situation and that we (I) might forget that the virus is still out there.
Its a bit hard, everything feels weird lately. It was the same feeling during the first few weeks, then I think I have been able to adjust and adapt to the changes midway. And then here we are again. And I guess until things become clear, until there are concrete plans from authorities, it will always come back. This feeling will never end. And I only speak from the comforts of our home. How about those who are really struggling not only with their mental health but on their daily lives? I have so many things to say about this but I think its worthy to talk about this on a separate lengthy post. Let me just gather my cluttered thoughts.
Sanity building, I have been consuming non stop since Week 1. It felt as if the time I spend at home will be taken from me anytime and that I needed to consume and spend it on things I have been dreading to do as replacement for the time I spent on long commutes and sometimes it still kicks in.
I try to keep track as I write a journal entry of ~feelings and thoughts~ everyday just to make sure I get to document what I did and what I felt, even from the most mundane things. There are so many things that has happened and is currently happening, the anxiety is always present, but what can we do? Given the privilege and choice that I have, I need to move forward to be able to help and use the energy to speak out. I have been trying to look for that drive since day 1.
Consumption is continuous but letting it out is a bit hard lately. There are these phrases inside my head waiting to be released but everytime I try to put it there, ink it down, type it out or really just say it out loud it keeps on pausing. It felt as if I might say things I don't mean or say it just for the heck of it, or bring it out just so I have something to run back. I don't want that.
I miss the ache, the push, that feeling of kilig and proud after completing a whole set of patched words. I don't wanna stop. I write because I don't wanna forget. In these times of trial, maybe there are really more things that add up to the equation of archiving other than my own stories. Pockets of happenings has been going around and it felt like it won't end anytime sooner. For sure all the (bad) news that has been reported lately has been circulating for longer than we think. This is not new to them, atleast for the bad guys. It's just that since we are all un-busy outside ngayon lang tayo nakapagtuon ng pansin and what we do after knowing is up to our hands. And I hope you are not blind sided.
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Considering this maybe my year ender post.
I don't know. I still wanna look back on some photos and random stories created from each of them. Years since today I always try and see to it that I close the year that was with an archive on this blog. But I guess at least I don't forget even if i'm days away late.
2020 is not the end nor the beginning. Such a memorable four digit number that will definitely go beyond history just as how we look back at the other years something major happened. Just like our age, a year is just a number that we follow and that change felt a bit like breath of fresh air even though things will just continuously happen as it is. Things won't stop after 12mn of the new year but even then, if you look at it as a new digit of hope maybe it will feel a little lighter even just for a while. New sets of goals, new things to look forward to?
Closing this down, I am always grateful that I literally am still breathing and able. And everyday I am utterly hopeful for a lighter, healthier, and brighter new chapter ahead.
It's the new year.