Okay, we're do I even begin --
My heart is aching. Figuratively, at the least. It feels like it's going to burst anytime soon and I keep on trying to find ways on how I can somehow temporarily remove the weight it bears me. I journaled, messaged a stranger (who is a main contributor) just to let it out thinking it might help me feel lighter (last time I was in this state it did), and now here I am trying to archive this phase in hopes that this might finally be the right outlet that I need.
Have you ever felt this? It's been a while for me. Ganun na sya katagal siguro kaya nahihirapan ako i-manage yung nararamdaman ko. Shocks. My heart is really aching. If only I could pull it out, put it in a box and let it stay there until it calms down. I want to let it out so bad. To be honest I actually don't know how I should comprehend this feeling I am currently in other than the word "fragile" or if I put it in an emoji form it'll be this: 🥺.
Joji started it for me. I heard his song 'Sanctuary' previously and it made me ~feel~. Days gone by when one morning I've seen a random POV video on tiktok and it made me fall down fast. Sobrang fragile season wala akong ibang word na mahanap talaga to describe it. It's a different spectrum, that feeling of not sad but leaning towards being lonely but not really... it's not happy but learning towards glad... and then there's the feeling of being hopeful then a bit of impatience. It's like I want to put this into something useful or pour it to someone that deserves this much but I don't know how and I have no whom.
The first few days felt brighter, my stresses sunk down it made me hope, made me look forward. Sabi ko nga talagang it's been awhile talaga! But day by day it grows and I can't remember a time before that it's this strong I don't know how to keep it calm. I mean, I want to feel it and keep it for awhile (thank god I can still feel this) but the lighter side of it sana. Sure it takes me out of the usual daily mundane tasks and out of the normalcy, but I wanna do something about it which makes it hard because I don't know what that "something" is.
Is the universe telling me something? Is this a sign from heaven up above? Am I ready? or is it a test to see if I am really now game to jump? I hope in the next few days I am able to know and I am able to somehow manage this. Na-miss ko rin naman, pero jusko paano ba 'to?!
So to help me purely feel this, I made a playlist: