Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, and love leaves exactly when love mustWhen love arrives say “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.”If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind herTurn off the music, listen to the quietWhisper, “Thank you for stopping by”
— When Love Arrives, Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye (Button Poetry)
The last time I wrote something like this was way back 2018 and since I have unknowingly (fully) closed that chapter it felt like I needed to draft another one just to put an update out there.
It’s been 5 years since that crush post and here I am still single and happy. Would I say i’m contented? I can’t admit nor deny for sure but maybe if you had asked me 2 or 3 years ago I would say I am not. I won’t be lying— years before today I was really hoping and looking and trying to put myself out there just to tell the world I am here and I am ready for something. Looking back, i’m glad it didn’t happen.. realizing that the objective I had then was quite wrong: I wanted to love to feel and be felt for selfish reasons I knew I wasn’t really ready, I was still figuring it all out (I still am today don’t get me wrong) but then me was just… it just wasn’t right.
(I saw a prayer from a Tiktok post and it said “season of singleness” and she’s quite right. This season may be once in a lifetime, or maybe a few times but who knows when this will end. So instead of weeping and trying to carve out a bad feeling about it, I think it should be a season to enjoy, explore, and embrace. The next season after this (whatever path it will lead) will be so different. This season should make us stronger and wiser and all the more.)
Forward to today, was there any difference from that feeling? Maybe. I think I know better now. Well I still hope but I don’t search for it anymore. I am done chasing. Do I want to be chased? Maybe. But for the right reasons please. I think I can say that I have quite accepted the fact that a possibility of it won’t happen to me. I mean— it could happen! And I think I can accept it already. There are still other forms of it I can pour all of me into like passions or to a family member. ANYWAY this sounded so unhopeful so don’t mind me! LOL
BUT if in any case there is still someone, out there, looking for the exact me, and if somehow this got through some trap door of a possibility, I am just here. Am I waiting? No. But I am not leaving. At least not yet.