20120904

Of flashbacks and candles.

These past few days my mind keep on rambling and dwelling about the same things which results to my uncomfortability with some situations and over thinking (of course, I shall be called as the girl who over thinks everytime). It's not healthy, I know. But, It can't be helped so easily. There's nothing to over think about but I keep on over thinking about things, y'know. It's so stressful. Yes, outside I'm super okay.. but whenever I'm alone or before I go to sleep or when I'm taking a bath or the so so - this over thinking stuff is killing me! I'm not happy I'm feeling something like this. It burns the positivism left in me. Again, I'm hoping that letting it out through this 'rant blog' could make me feel better - do you feel the same?

4 days to go. I know.
Before I had decided to made this post, I said to myself that I should left those negative feelings behind. I don't want to ruin things on the trip especially on the 7th.


I just suddenly remember a phone conversation with one of my best friends way back from highschool. It was somewhat near my birthday and I was crying that night, ranting about how my parents love my sister so much and how I didn't get much attention back then.. so I cried out. (Hi, Rachel - does this memory ring a bell?)

I usually do that a lot. Cry and be sad whenever my birthday approaches. I don't know why. It's kind of a tradition that me and I use to share. Until now I can't answer my own questions about this. Yup, I'm sad right now. Who wants to be sad when they were turning eighteen and celebrating overseas with friends?! For sure, I don't want this feeling. If only feelings could be killed easily.

Days really flies fast. It's been seventeen years since I was brought up in this world. But it's probably not seventeen years since I was introduced with all the realities. It's sad that the girl in that photo cannot remember anymore how she blewed that candle on her square cake, or how she ate that with her friends, or if she loved what she wore. Seventeen years - fast. Too fast. Not that I don't wanna grow older but I know that little things might change once I step on to the next year and the fear in it is that - I don't know what will happen.

I don't have any plans on the 7th. Really.
But I do imagine myself eating ice cream, cotton candy, and a popcorn. And I really hope I dream of something carnival on the night of 6th.

My dream carnival party dream will turn into ash, very soon. Actually, it's the only theme I had thought of that I would love to have. Imagine, there will be my friends and family wearing mask in their masquerade-y attires, some are wearing red, some are black, while others are candy like in pink. There will be popcorn and cotton candy stands on the right side. A pile of cupcakes would serve as the main cake. I'm wearing this striped in red or green or any color that is somewhat associated with carnival halter dress (in which I researched about 7 months ago) with boots and a willy wonka hat. I would also love to see jugglers and clowns and that man with long legs and circus people performing on the theater-y like stage. My invitation would be a mini poster printed in brown paper - black and white.. I would love to hear messages from friends and relatives telling me things. Lovely. Spectacular.

Right now, I can't do anything about this except to think about it over and over again, or if lucky, maybe even dream about it - so somehow it could be real. Magical. Hard to have people who doesn't want what you want, y'know.

Sorry.
I think I just have to leave notes behind, so I could laugh at it and at myself next year - before I post another one, on the next 7th of the 9th. I hope that you know that I kind of feel better whenever I write things down - in any kind of form. Let me rant last, before I step onto a year older me, because maybe (and hoping) that I rant less by that time.

I just realize that I am not living up onto my blog title. I do post a lot of rants and blahs and this blog's name is "yellow notions" other term for "happy thoughts" (well, I made that up)? Psh, self.



Happy Birthday, self. As they say, you are a woman now. You may act like a kid but you should not be immature. I know that you know things and that you are a positive girl. All you need now is faith and courage.. and I will beg all the fairies to give that both to you as a gift. Oh, and confidence too. I wish you luck in everything - I hope you excel and never stop learning and trying things out. Just be patient, self. Soon, they will see you as you are and your works not how you should. Don't worry, I'll dream of carnivals with you - on the 6th of the 9th. Be happy as always, self.



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I wish all the happiness and contentment and positivity and love and faith be in everyone!