I don't know how to swim.
Wait, I know how - but not until college.
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Every time the family books a private pool, you will always see me at the edge of the pool tight gripped holding the end tiles. And whenever a family member tries to push me, I would almost cry.
I never learned how to swim until college for swimming class - 2nd year. I was so afraid, but I have no choice but to do and bubbles and dive and do freestyle and jump on the middle part of the Olympic side pool because we are required to do so, or else I would fail.
When I started learning how to float and swim unprofessionally, I would now always let my family members see that I now know how I would swim from end to end or do different kinds of float and act like a pro. But what they didn't know is that I am still afraid of the deep waters and as much as possible, I still keep a hold on the edge side or cling into my boyfriend who is a good swimmer so I have excuse to roam around in the middle.
First, bubbles.
Maybe the real reason why I didn't learn how to swim was because I am never exposed outside. I am a real home buddy - I can just stay at home and do things in bed. I can last months just laying in bed, watching all sorts of random stuff on youtube, reading books, and/or browsing the television. And my family is a home buddy, too. Or maybe just my mother since she's the one who wouldn't go to the mall just for nothing. The closest I can get into a summer class when I was a tween was a ballet, jazz, and singing class. That's it.
It's just that during college I knew about exploring the world outside home - thanks to my mother who pushed me to live a dorm life. And from that certain experience outside that I keep on having realizations about how shall I keep intact of my life, specifically my goals. Because the thing is, we cannot get out of the system if we keep on giving and pointing out reasons.
It's not bad to go with the flow, just make you sure you know how to swim back.
To be honest, I cannot remember how I did learn how to swim -- I never learned the freestyle without drinking pool water, never did the breast stroke or the other strokes there is aside from floating (is this even a stroke?). All I know is that I have to reach the end side so I wouldn't go back and do it again.
*Here is the point where I spill in the whole point of the situation*
Just the same as I try to keep my goals intact in my planner. I am really just going with what's going on in the present. It sucks that sometimes I forget those that was once mattered - that whenever I try to write a certain topic in my head, I say, "
I'll write about it on th
e weekend...". And whenever Saturday comes, I just lie in bed, scan through my social media timeline, or either plan a random out with friends or watch a movie with the boyfriend if he ever comes over and that's just it. I forgot to open my drafts or most of the time, the topic just hangs in there and the momentum has gone.
You can tell me I am lazy. I would not contradict because I really am. I keep on reasoning to myself so many things for my long list of goals but I think I have a fairly utter point for the unnecessary. If you're working and commuting 5 days a week I think you would attest on me with that, too! Or... not unless you have a cool and very balance life. Anyway~~~
Try and swim the high seas. Use floaters if necessary.
Summing it all out as what I have been realizing the past couple of days: it's not bad to go with the flow but don't let it drown you.
The environment we live in is quite tricky, you either go out with the flock up above the sea, or swim the high seas like the others - not unless you think it is the path wave you were eyeing to go to. I know that we are all different and at the back end of this post is me trying to defend a certain personality that is out of the path of this entire post but I wouldn't go through with that anymore since that's just a part of the whole context.
I keep on thinking about it for the past days that what I can do to not think about it is to write it down.
The thing is, you are quite drowning and sometimes you just can't see it yet.
And most of the time even if we think we are just too overwhelmed with the surroundings, we ignore the fact that we can drown anytime. We try to act cool and professional but really, even those Olympic swimmers get drown and make mistakes. We are sometimes caught up in the present that we are setting aside our goals and the hope just keeps on hiding underneath. And when the feeling comes back, you'll regret and say that you wasted some of your time doing nothing.
I am too observant these past few days - which I think what made me felt the need on writing things down. I know things are just starting and as I am trying to catch up through the waves, I fight the drown and swim more even though I know that it's not the right thing to take on because as much as I try to get back, the waves kept on pushing me in the middle - I swam so hard, I drowned myself when at the beginning it is not the intention nor the reason. And as much as I try to think of ways, somehow, it had been a part of my reflex to swim some more. The question is: how do you fight routines?
Triple take: Don't.
As I try to re-assess what technique shall I do to find my right wave, here's my take:
Don't let the environment eat you up and make you one of them. Go and take a swim but don't forget that at the end of the day you have your own waves to catch. Don't let a lazy day make you forget what you have been trying to reach at this whole time.
I know I am lazy. But that's just about it. And as much as I try to avoid drowning, I am in the middle of the water struggling on kicking paddles. I know I shall not forget, and I know I won't either but I hope I could find the right struggle to deal everything.
As of now, here is what I can tell to myself: Even though you're drowning, and I know you are trying, and I see that everything is still the same - Never forget what you don't know and plan on knowing before you learn how to swim.
Do I make sense?
