The Good Breakup

Taken using the analog camera app, 'Gudak'

5 months ago, my 3 year relationship with my first boyfriend ended. At this very moment I can say that it was a very humbling experience for me. There was no such thing as the good breakup but if there is, I will consider this as one. Good because of all the things happened after it ended; things that I would have never thought I would explore and would be knowing and even if he had hurt me, and even if in some ways I created a scar in him, I wouldn't want it done in any other way because I knew for sure that even if I felt the need, I won't be doing it anyway - I'm the type who'll make it work.

Looking back, the past three years has been such an experience. I have shared most of my firsts with him: the days I crumble in the notion of life during school, the in between after being a student, and the welcoming of the adult life / I know I had shared with his' as well. But at some point during the relationship you really will outgrow each other and miss the comfort of just being carefree and in love and it depends on how both of you will handle the situation.

It was a Sunday when things had started to fell apart. I wasn't anticipating it to end. Before then, I knew to myself that I am ready if in any case the end point comes and when it did that day, I realized I am really not prepared because who will be ready to get their heart broken?

Things may happen at the most unexpected time and mine came in a rush. In between of being apart and cooling it all down, I knew it was a test not just about staying but a test of patience, maturity, and how much you are willing to give for that person. You will miss him so you will try to reach out. When I came to that point, I was able to know in a snap how much worth I should be getting and how much effort I am willing to offer. Sadly, I had been taken for granted. From there I knew I had to stop.

At the end of it all, I knew I was trying so hard to stay but at the back of my mind I knew what I had to do, I don't deserve what I am getting anymore. I didn't realize it until then: sometimes we are clouded with so much feelings that we are not thinking anymore. As much as what I am seeing in movies, I started to walk away - head strong.

There are so many tears flown. I got surprised that some time after the fall down I would be crying in my sleep, or while I take a shower, or randomly while on my way home with my head surrounded with so many questions and whys. When I reached the end point, I felt so drained - tired of asking but not getting any answers and then I knew I have to move forward. After I shed it all, I focused on myself and on the things that much needed of my time and attention. A few adjustments on my routine and I knew i'm very much okay on my own. I know I deserve more and that my love and care deserves to be given forward. This led me to realize this:

What you didn't know won't hurt you because sometimes the answer is not getting any answers.

Through it all, I am so glad the world has opened so many doors I wasn't able to have a peek before. I saw that there is so much much more in store for me. I've met so many different kinds of person and actually got new learnings from them. Talked to random strangers, went out on a few (crazy) dinner and movie dates (welcome to modern dating!) and fully know afterwards what I need and what I am really are looking for by knowing as well until how much I can give. I have been much more considerate with other people's feelings, I learned how to say no and not hurt them, I became the 'always on the go' type of person, I opened my choices but still am living in my beliefs: to always try until you know for sure.

I didn't plan on posting anything about the break up because I didn't felt the need, but what triggered me to write about this was during a sleepover I had with my best friend. She was sharing some of the recent happenings about her life and I was quietly listening and subtly giving advice in the middle of her talks. While doing so, I felt different. I knew I am still the old me but I felt something new - it's like I am a changed person. My views has changed quite a bit, and I kept on thinking afterwards where did I get those insights. Minor, I knew it was because of the environment adaptation: you get to have a touch of the people surrounding you everyday: their actions, opinions, way of habits, how they talk, and most of the time you unconsciously say their favorite lines and phrasings. 

But deep inside me I knew that the breakup was the main cause. The experience made me a new person right now. I don't know yet if I love this updated person inside me, I am still re-learning and checking if this is a good change but I can proudly say that I have known myself more and more each day and that if it didn't happened I won't be able to do so sooner. As I have said, I couldn't have it any other way and as much as it may sound weird but I am thankful.

I know for sure that he won't be reading this (as he wasn't really been viewing my page) but I wish he's gone through the same phase like mine and that the breakup has helped him to be a much better person.

Also, let me just post this photo of his first tattoo: a version of my signature. This will remind me that there is someone who valued my presence this much. I hope i'd be able to touch his life as much as this tattoo is inked on his skin for a long time. And if in any case in the future it'll be changed or re-designed, still, I'm grateful. So thank you.