Look what we have here. Photo above was a note I secretly left on the car winshield of my crush back in college. Yes, naging isang secret admirer po ako at no, hindi ako stalker or creepy. Nadaan lang sa udyok.
Now I wonder if he kept it. This was actually the second letter already, the first one I knew he saw because his sister posted it on Facebook and tagged him. I still remember the feeling of kilig, kahihiyan, kaba, takot, at excitement rolled into one me. Pero hindi na nya nalaman na ako yung nagsulat na yon. Maraming nagtangka at naiinggit lol he was the heartthrob type - he plays drums, he looks so neat, he drives (it was a big thing back then), he gets good grades, plus the fact na madami talaga syang admirer so parang minsan gusto mo makigulo talaga lelz
Back then I wonder what if I message him and confess that I am that girl. Wala lang. Randomly I will just send him a facebook chat and let it out, no expectations. Feeling ko naman okay lang since that was 4 years ago already. Hmmm, maybe I should do it.
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It's nice to have a crush on someone. Sometimes I miss the feeling. You know, times you just spend so much on his profile looking at pictures, checking out tagged posts of him, trying to picture out you and him as one, imagining things that might become. Umaasa lang ganon.
After my breakup, I had this phase where I looked for someone I would throw my attention at. I missed the feeling of just being carefree, randomly texting goodmorning messages, updating whereabouts and whatabouts, throwing out random and irrelevant questions, and learning from someone new. I craved for a better person because I knew instantly what I want next I felt the urge of finding it rather than letting it come to me.
Don't be surprised - I met a few and I know now they are phases in my life I am glad I encountered and met.
Phase # 1 welcomed me again into the hood of singleness. At this phase, I am still unsure of what I wanted so I just ride along. Glad it didn't take long. But just like any other processes, you have to get through it for the sake of it.
Phase # 2 has been such a learning. This showed me a different type of world, it opened me to so much learnings I have with me currently. It was that process you would thank the universe for its existence. It sort of validated my feelings, I knew by this time I had really moved on because I welcomed the whole phase fully. But you know, if something is a phase, please know right away that it won't last. I was happy it instantly clicked, and sad that it instantly ended. I liked the feeling I had during that time. It was short but full of learnings. I came out renewed, at this point I know exactly what I want because it showed me what worth I should be getting.
Phase # 3 was the last and I knew for sure this was the end even when there's no beginning yet. It showered me such attention, such words, such feelings and I am thankful but I just don't feel the spark. The phase validated something in me. It was the point I knew I had changed because finally for the very first time in my whole existence I knew what I wanted and this is not it. Sorry.
The three phases I went through helped me so much, not to move forward but to know more about me. I explored a whole lot of side in me I didn't knew back then. I became firm with my decisions, I know when I can and what I don't want. Thankful for the phases we have to go through - rough, quite scary, but very helpful.
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When the clock striked 12mn January 1 of this year, I was holding a lusis and tried to collate all my goals and wishes. I brought so much from 2017, I had to bridge the gap since I wasn't able to complete half. After the festivities, I grabbed my planner, lie down on bed and jot down all my priorities this year; what I should improve on, what I should be working on, and (still) wrote again the top 3 things I should do before I turn 25.
Time flies so fast, minsan nakakapagod sya sabayan. But I learned to slow down and try to finish one thing at a time. I am never the goal oriented person, I just know what I want and try to finish them all. This year, i'll try to be atleast 10% goal focused, for a change.
My priorities aren't changing. Though I won't be jotting them down here, a clue would be that they are the usuals. Although, I prayed and told myself lovelife won't be a priority this year. Not that I am not moved on already, or that I will be pushing them away if someone would come - I just made myself clear I won't look for it anymore. I already prayed for it, and see what will God has in store for me. I still know what I want and what I am looking for, I am just not really go and chase them. I'll just sit here, finish my priorities, and wait. After all, I am a patient person.
This year will be a year of knowing what our worth is and hugging what we deserve. Choices, change, and self love.
Happy Valentines Day. In whatever way you spent it, or in whatever way you would wantt look at it, I hope you are feeling the love you deserve to feel.
💖,
LA