Whenever confusion kicks me in, whenever I feel down and sad, I always find myself listening to All I Want by Kodaline. It makes the feelings more valid, I get more sad, questions pour out in me. Sounds very martyr but I like the feeling of drowning for 5 mins then I get to gain myself back to reality and figure it all out.
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I used to be able to hide my feelings instantly. Like whenever I feel sad, I am definitely a professional at smiling and being normal whilst my heart breaking and shattering inside me. But that was then.
I remember having an unexpected conversation with a colleague. He was this very kind, always smiling, says thank you to everyone and immediately says sorry for every little thing he thinks he did wrong type. I told him I saw myself in him. I'd like to believe I was him years back. I am a people pleaser, like him. I like pleasing everyone, making them my priority instead of myself especially with my friends or with those who are dear to me. I like keeping them comfortable, always happy, and whenever they look pissed or annoyed, I see to it that I make them feel positive to avoid ruining the moment.
This colleague of mine was the old me currently. I am less of the old me now. Experiences made me who I am today and made me keep certain beliefs I have with me. Change is good, but sometimes it's bad either. The person in me had grown to be more mature, more sure of herself. It was good right? I mean, knowing what you actually want and be able to do and decide on things the right way. But sometimes the old me comes out on situations it is needed thus having it as a real trait I know I would be keeping for the rest of me.
So I told him, "you'll outgrew a certain trait of you, you'll be less kinder, you'll be more sure, and it's not bad because at the end of the day you'll still want to make your loved ones happy even if you are not". I sounded like a real grown woman but I am really not.
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I am currently at a coffee shop 20 kms away from home. Today is Chinese New Year. I went home around 1 am last night, my day is already planned then before I sleep; I will wake up early, finish work early, watch an episode of Black Mirror, and go for an org event.
But when I woke up today, I feel very much under the weather. I feel sad for unknown reasons. I woke up early, changed into my pambahay clothes, and opened my social media apps. I slept again, ate breakfast with family, watched Black Mirror (I'm on episode 3 now), and layed down on bed.
It's like my feelings are too tired to do anything even to talk but I have to finish some work needed by my supervisor on Monday so I drag my sister out of the house immediately before sadness drag me to bed.
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Yesterday after attending a 2-3pm meeting about promotions and process, my mind immediately shut down. It cannot absorb anything anymore, I wanted to lie on the floor and just stay there.
An officemate who passed me by asked me, "okay ka lang Bhel?" "ha? bakit?" "wala lang, mukha kang malungkot eh". At that point I realized my facial muscles cannot hide and control what I was actually feeling. After the play last year I noticed my expressions were too much of a show. It wasn't the first time I got a call out from someone about what I expressed but yesterday validated it.
Anyway, i'm making a big deal out of a small detail again but I think this is just me archiving my journey to discovering more of myself from time to time - atleast I have something to look back to if ever I needed validations.
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I finally watched Fifty Shades Freed last night, it was such a bittersweet feeling that it has officially ended. This holds a big portion why i'm feeling blue today. The feeling of ending something dear to you, no more waiting on what will happen next because it has reached the final chapter.
We watched a LFS, so while waiting my friend and I had some ensaymada and hot chocolate while we catch up on each other's lives. Surprisingly I am not the only one I know that is going through the same crisis that up to now I keep on trying to hide. She is confused like me, we have so many questions we can't figure out, drained, overworked but under appreciated, we didn't know what to do with our lives.
I haven't mentioned it to anyone but i'm having problems lately dealing with frustrations. It's something I haven't mastered handling with. I'm good already with acceptance and patience and understanding but not this. I'm in the phase of trying to understand things I already know but keeps on having that big question mark. It was actually so confusing sometimes I didn't know what really is the problem. I know I am not alone but it was nice validating that I am really not.
Slowly i'm trying my way out of talking it through with someone. Actually i'm not sure if I can explain it clearly or if I will make sense. I'm trying to be very positive about things, what i'm dealing with right now is only a portion of what maybe someone is dealing with, who am I to rant it about. Maybe i'm just scared what if it doesn't end, or what if I won't be able to master handling this.
I know it'll get better soon and that things will fall into it's right places. I know. I'll hold on. I mastered patience and acceptance already I can do this. We all can.