It was just this year that I started to go out and try to let the alcohol in my system. If you know me I am never the type who would go for a night out and drink on a Friday night. The very first time I tried to "get drunk" was during college - it was a very impulse moment, a Friday night as I recall, two of my dormmates brought out a vodka and a bag of cheetos. I wasn't super drunk but I remember drunk calling and vomiting orange water.
After then I tried to avoid any alcoholic drink. It was something I didn't enjoy I felt like i'm already okay because I tried it once. Plus, I didn't liked the bitterness of beers. At that time I didn't get why people enjoy how bitter it was or how people always need any alcohol just to enjoy a night out. So I said, "Never again".
When I was in Boracay for work last year, looking at the sun down, I felt like I need to grab a beer. Not sure why but the feeling of the bitter taste would match the beauty of what I was seeing. It was an impulsive thought so I decided to grab a hot tea instead. Safe.
So imagine me getting drunk three weeks ago.
It was a Friday night, we had a whole day of shoot, and an office mate was trying to lure me into this "caramel beer" she was craving. I am currently at a phase in my life wherein I will try everything - road to self discovery as I call it - so I said I was game.
We sat in front of the bar, the only place available, and ordered two caramel beers. We were just randomly talking about things when the bartender kept giving us free shots. My system only knows the taste of beer but not the hard drink ones but I gladly (and with no regrets) took the shots and drink it all. When I felt like everything was starting to kick in, I immediately asked for us to go so with a heavy head I still managed to pay for our bill. After which, everything went quite blank.
I remember going out of the bar, being rescued by a friend whom called and I told I was drunk already, a random guy wiping my face with his handkerchief, vomiting outside, being dragged in a nearby coffee shop, sleeping there, and being taken care of. I basically remember everything. Thank god.
I was taken home with a heavy head because of that alcohol I should have consumed moderately. When you are so lost in the moment you cannot really keep track on numbers anymore. I had fun. It was fun. The morning after wasn’t.
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Last Tuesday we held a super mini celebration for my sister — it was her 18th birthday, there were no grand celebration as we are about to go on a trip already. But I know the feeling of having something to celebrate but nobody wants to prepare so I did try to come up with something.
I took her to a karaoke, asked my cousins to come and surprise her, by midnight we danced away and read 18 messages for her. I was the one who insisted to speak first since it was my own idea to do such. I can fairly say I am good at patching words enough so I was able to pull off 18 advises I could give her while I was at a meeting earlier that day.
I was actually planning to take her to a night out as I promised her but got shy to my other family members so I said next time we will go.
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The past few days have been nothing but crazy. There are Friday nights I would go home late, clouded with things. An ideal moment happened. There was this enormous person whom I met (in which I thank the universe I did) but was never meant to stay. It was very short, but the butterflies it left me is still here. And it aches me that it still is, and that all the what could have been will just be in the air. But its okay. I taught myself enough to let things go if I cannot take it with me even if I tried. Sadly, my impulsiveness got in the way.
This was the beginning of every blur happenings. I felt like in such a way it was a curse. Days before this I was just enjoying a company of someone I barely know, and the days afterwards? Not sure how I was able to cope up with reality slapping me I am not even drunk anymore.
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I googled "Why does alcohol give people so much confidence?" and I found this website where people are debating whether if it was merely the alcohol's behavior or the courage people get from it that they get the confidence.
Ah, confidence.
Words as powerful as it is can be as scary as such. I remember a very crazy moment — I was told I am special, all the sweet words and gestures poured. I wasn’t even thinking at that time. One hell of a crazy act I never thought would happen. That thing you already have taught of before but dismissed easily because it just wasn’t right had been pulled off.
All the comfort shed, all the state I was trying to keep has been taken into a new heights. It was a hanging moment for me. I am a hopeless romantic by heart but I am very much realistic. It wasn’t right and it ached me for a short period of time. There are just so much questions I wanted to throw but I am not the confrontational type — I don’t like the ‘talk’ so I was torn between asking and just letting it go. I chose the latter, but it just didn’t clear the air.
I kept my cool. I don’t want to lose the un-explainable comfort, I don’t want to risk the normal to something that might be just a temporary gesture. Turns out, everything was just stimulus. Because of alcohol. The confidence it gives a person to say what they think without actually thinking clearly anymore.
How come we create memories so easily but it is so hard to forget? How come such words even though it wasn’t that hurtful could haunt me days after? And how can a person say so much but doesn’t have the responsibility to account for it?
The alcohol wasn't there to blame, I was sober but I ended waking up the next day with a hangover.
No hard feelings but it just sucks. Sucks how it is just the way it is. And sucks to be just a spur of a selfish act.
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I was on my way home yesterday from a night out - I watched a movie then accompanied a friend for a beer but I ordered peppermint tea instead. I think I have had enough alcohol for now.
I pass across a certain area where a memory had been shed. There were three guys sitting on a bench, near them was a policeman with a firearm trying to keep an eye on uncertain acts. That was a normal place before. But now as I walk past through, it wasn’t just a place anymore.
Funny how a certain memory can linger for so long though it only lived for a short period of time, maybe not even for an hour. It was just at that moment I realized how easy it was to create but such a responsibility to maintain. If you are a keeper, lucky for you.
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I don’t want to live in what ifs. I have had a fair share of questionable acts of it way back, I don’t want to relive it anymore. It aches me to realize that a certain person can attest to a feeling and can’t justify it. It’s not that I am regretting or that I am expecting something to begin, I just didn’t expect that the amount of time and words and affection can be easily thrown away and be easily dropped out in a second.
Should I blame the alcohol? Or was there really something to blame? Most of the time I was sober and that time after I got drunk, I just wish I was really drunk on some times so I could excuse myself. So I could just go and sleep it all off, or vomit all the words that was given to me. And believe that I won't have any memory of that night, then we will just brush it off.
But I wasn't. There was no alcohol 92% of the time.
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Some people think they can lure me. A guy told me my innocence and ignorance is my charm. But I had to break it that I can't be lured easily and no amount of alcohol can.
I was told so many things I should be; "you need to have more confidence", "you have to be straight forward", "you have to be more assertive", and so on..
Thank you all for the concern, but trust me I am still in the process of trying to get "there". Not easy you know. But what I can proudly say is that even though I am not what you think I should be for now, I promise you that I take account for what I say, I will be responsible for all the words that will come out of my mouth, and I don't need any alcohol to gain the confidence.
I just don't get why even if i'm not drunk I still get hangovers and I hope to one day wake up not hating the morning after.