A letter I wrote to myself last year

View from the 17th floor; Rainy day, around 5pm

Dear 5 year older self,

By the time you read this you'll probably be 26. And I know before you reach that age, you might be able to recite all of the corners of each and every word of this open letter because you will read this over and over again to either check the proper grammar or just because you are conscious of your own writing. That's okay. I expect that.

Let me just rephrase this for you instead...

By the time you were reading this, whether how old you are or on what year or month or maybe week after you post this and whatever emotion you indulge in currently, kindly remind yourself to stay calm and re-learn the following things this old self of yours is telling you.

A quick recap - you are 21 as I jot this down on the draft of your blog, now on your 3rd job in which everyone in your workplace is surprised when you tell them that because 3 job experiences by the age of yours makes you either 1. Too young and 2. Get easily bored with work. And you don't tell them reasons in each and every experience you have - you let them be clueless. You laughed it off in front of them and make jokes about it. You quite are laughing about it because them knowing that makes them feel old. No you're not evil.

You'll be meeting other people, professionally. You'll be discovering a very different type of world you spend your time in 5 days week. You'll get to meet and create a small pack of lunch buddies and listen to stories of their gym life, love life, and well.. Office gossips. You'll realize many other things as much as you expect yourself to have: that age doesn't measure your capacity, loyalty, that work ethics isn't something gained in the years a person has spent it in the company, and that there really is politics everywhere.

You will be seeing so many scenarios that might get you a little bit pissed at the environment your 21 year old self currently engage in, got stressed and almost burned out, but you are surviving. And you'll be proud because at the end of the day you struggled to remain calm, positive and grounded.

You realized that you are kind. And that it is a strong point of yours and somehow, in a way, this makes you weak. You are learning to say no, and your 21 minus 5 year old self would be proud of. You are learning to fight for what has to be done and say things if you can and cannot. You are trying to keep your kindness, but as your old self is writing this down, she is realizing that you can't hide it because that's who you are and you use it as a charm to let people treat you the way you think you deserve to be treated as well.

Still, you are afraid that your bad work results will affect the work of others. Because you don't want to hassle them, and make their work too much of a heavy load just because of your own mistakes. I am proud of you.

You are in the middle of your 2 year relationship. Struggles is currently present - you are sometimes questioning your kindness, again. You get tired. And even though you are, you're not giving up on helping your partner grow and move forward on his own. Even though he doesn't want you to, you still keep on instilling values to him which you think is what is right for his future. Your future with him.

Questions outpour. You asked so many questions and get confused. Your patience has gotten a little lesser that the past years. You didn't expect to say and give up explaining even though that is your forte. You had been quite a fighter, and you fight for what you think is right for you, right for the both of you, right for the relationship, and right for whatever it is for. I hope you are surprised. I'm not quite sure what you have become from the time you read this but I hope you still fight for you. I tell you, it's not bad but use it for the good.

Miscommunications and your differences with him will make you know yourself even more. You had learned the things that you can adjust and compromise and what are some that you really just can't. By the time you are writing this you are quite laughing off your older self because you remember a point in your relationship wherein you adjusted almost everything for the sake of compromising but it really didn't helped out the both of you.

I hope by the time you are reading this you have set aside your differences, resolved your issues, and had answers to everything that has been bothering you. If yes, be proud and look back on every tear you have shed just to reach that point. If not still, think twice and ask questions. If there is no hope and this letter has been read too late, I hope everything is fine with you.

Your friends is always here for you just as you are always for them. The listener and adviser you are is still present as ever. You kept your promise: you never left and is always there for each and everyone of them who needs your presence. There quite has some points wherein you feel like you lack reaching out but later on realized that friendship doesn't require those and that at some point it should be meeting in the middle - like in whatever relationship there is.

You missed a lot of friends from your student self, but you know in your heart that one tap and they will be there for you and your heart knows it dearly enough.

Your Father came home for good. He told you that he missed half his life away just for work. You understand, and that things are quite happening normal and better compare to being just the three of you at home. House had felt quite full now, but maybe it's just because it's half empty the past years.

You are physically fine as of this moment that you write this. Emotionally stable. Spiritually - helping yourself get to the right path but is never forgetting to thank Him and feel his blessings and presence. You are fine. Quite confused. Has so many questions left unasnwered, but you are okay. What your 21 year old self is normal.

By the proper time you read this - proper time meaning the time you look back and read this because you are really 5 years older and not just because you stumble upon this letter of yours for proof reading - I hope you get something from your old self. If you are okay than ever, be proud and happy. Feel blessed and never forget to always take the high road, with caution.. Positively. You'll realize in the middle that taking the right path might not always be good but never let your what ifs ruin you.

If you are on a normal state, let your old self salute you for surviving all the struggles the universe had bump your way. I know it wasn't easy. If a certain person would know you, that should be me, your 21 year old self. I know what you've been through. It may look so depressing if you read it but I know there is nothing you can't survive.

If sadly you are experiencing a bad state, don't let it drown you. Or better yet, drown. But never forget three things: 1. You might not be a good swimmer but you basically learned how to float, 2. Relax and don't panic, 3. In the middle of your drowning, someone will save you in however they can and don't be scared to take their help. At this point at your age as a 21 year old young adult you had learned that drowning doesn't necessarily have to be a negative state because your positivity has taken its toll to the most creative way of making you feel okay even though you are drowning (refer to your old blog posts please). You'll be okay, because you know how to be okay.

By the time you read this I hope your 21 year old self goals had been achieved. Well, just in case not YET, I hope atleast you get to cross out 2-4 of them? Yes? No?

I hope you had your way closer to becoming someone you wanted to become. Currently at this point, you have so many things you wanted to achieve. And I hope at that point you have narrowed it down to just a few things. But who am I kidding, right? I know you better than you are now. I know you enough to know that yourself right now wouldn't be fulfilled if you haven't tried them all.

Lastly, I hope by that age or in whatever age you are right now -- you are still you. In whatever you faced, whoever you meet, wherever you go, I know you will be getting a learning from each and every thing but never ever forget to be you - and that will be making you happy, I hope.

With all the energy and hope,

Your 21 year old self.

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Saw on draft, written around Q1 2016. I shall make an updated one, i'm turning 23 this year and I have so much stuff going on right now that are much worthy of an archive.